Some days I'm not motivational

Thursday Treadmill Treats

Some days I'm not motivational

Some days I don't want to be strong, some days I want to come home and crawl under the blankets and wish life would go away while I'm under there.

Sometimes I hold back the tears and fake the smile just so I wont have to tell people what I am going through. Some times I  barely get through a day without asking when is it enough? Haven't I had enough pain and sorrow to last a lifetime?

Yes, I write every day about holding on, about being positive, about changing your life but I am human and life isn't always so "perfect" for me.

Its not always how I write about, being uplifting, being happy every day but every time this happens, every time I get knocked down,
I will admit to you that I cry, I feel sorry for myself, I cry out "Why God"

I am just like you, just like so many of you that read my blog, I hurt and I question my life and my purpose.

Recently I have been feeling like, is this really my purpose and if it is when is it going to reveal itself? When will I be able to do this full time? When will I be able to stop working 3 jobs, struggling all the time? When will it be my season?

Look, don't get me wrong,
I am grateful for all I have in my life, sometimes so much so it brings me to tears. I know I am blessed and I know that yes, I have so much more than others but this passion, this purpose that burns inside of me....is all I think of, all I yearn for is to be able to do this, to use this gift on a full time basis.
All I want to do is provide a life for my girls, not worrying about the next paycheck, the next dollar.

So yes, I get down,
Yes, I  cry,
Yes, I question my life and the pitfalls it has for me all the time, but the difference is that I refuse to let myself stay in this place.

I refuse to lose sleep over the bills or the what if's.
Yes, I will give myself that day to wallow in self pity, to cry, to yell, to question my life but the next day I will regroup, I will pray, I will be thankful for all the things and people in my life.

I will draw from my faith, from my determination, from my strength
I will keep looking and asking for signs, I will keep listening to my praise leaders Jonathan Nelson's new album... "I am just one praise from my breakthrough, just one praise from my miracle...because anything can happen in here, something good is happening in here...miracles are happening in here..."

I listen to it over and over until I know yet again that he has me, that this is his plan and I will be okay, this will be okay, that this dream I have will come to pass, I just have to hold on, have faith and believe that anything is possible if you believe....

"Be the change you want to see"
 
"And just when the caterpillar thought his life was over...he turned into a beautiful butterfly"

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