Digging deep into your own psyche

Digging deep into your psyche

Last week while talking to my cousin, I had an Oprah ah ha moment. I actually connected the dots to why I do what I do in my life.

I realized that my grandmother who lived with us and helped raised me, shaped so much of my life.
She was the meanest, most negative person you will ever meet, who was never happy with anything or anyone in her life.

I would do something stupid like most 5 or 6 year olds would do and she would get mad at me and stop talking to me for days on end. I would try to talk to her, I would write her notes, draw her pictures, bring her flowers, I would cry to my mother why doesn't Nanny love me, what did I do?

She would withhold her love from me and I would do whatever it took to try to get her to love me, to forgive me, even though I had nothing to be forgiving for.

I would sacrifice my own happiness to try to make her happy. Not knowing that no matter what I did or did not do, she would never be happy as this was her issue not mine but try to explain that to a child.

As I got older I even did this with my friendships, I would do anything for them. Of course this made me a magnet for men who withheld their love from me as well, men who were just like my grandmother, who I keep running after to get them to love me at all costs.

My ex husband would stop talking to me for days as well and in my already set  pattern, I would beg and try anything to make him happy, he knew this weakness in me and took advantage of it time and time again.

Even after my divorce I still ran after men like this, unattainable men, narcissistic men, controlling men, passive aggressive men, men who needed to be in control and saw my weakness, even when I couldn't see it myself. The more they pulled away, the more I chased, the more they withheld their love and affection, the more I tried and then blamed myself for it.

When I looked back over each man and realized my pattern on why I keep chosing these men, I was shocked.

It's my need to please, my trying to reach unatenable love, my need to have people like me and it all stems back to my grandmother and how she treated me.

It's funny I tell my girls this all the time about their father, that this is his issue and not theirs. But when your on the receiving end it is harder to hear or believe the truth as you always think it's about you or something you didn't do or could have done better.
This makes you second guess everything in your life.

I see this behavior in my girls and I wished I could have learned this lesson earlier so they wouldn't be feeling this way now...
But as one of my favorite authors, Maya Angelou always said "When you know better, you do better"

So now that I know better... I will definitely do better.
I know that not everyone is going to like me...big reality check when you put your life out there to the world to comment on!

And I've learned that these  men are all like my grandmother, they are broken, hurt and have issues, that they are projecting their issues on you, their lack of confidence, their insecurities on you, to deflect from them.

It's funny that even at this age I am learning so much about myself, I guess it's true what they say... with age comes wisdom, but only if your willing to dig deep and be brutally honest with yourself.

So today my friends remember, if you want to change your patterns, you need to dig deep, you need to be brutally honest and you must want to change because the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.

Make that change, figure out why you do the things you do, what point in your life or who made you who you are today and then dig deep into your psyche to change it...it's never to late, as I always say....

"Be the change you want to see"
 
"And just when the caterpillar thought his life over...he turned into a beautiful butterfly"

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