I Responded To My Rapist Part 2

I Responded To My Rapist Part 2

Yesterday I wrote about how my rapist reached out to me and how I wanted to respond to his comments.

I was just going to copy and paste the blog I wrote the day after he first reached out to me. I read it to my girls before I sent it and realized that blog came from a place of shock, of hurt and definitely from anger.

It took me back reading it out loud. I didn't want to come at him from that place. Hell, I didn't want to be in that place myself. This seemed like more lessons that I needed to learn, maybe, just maybe I was still holding on to some issues. 

I could forgive him from afar but now that he was in my face, I still had anger from the fact that he was reaching out to me.

So I decided I needed to step back and pray some more. You get one chance to touch someone's heart and I didn't want to come at him with this bitterness and anger.

I wanted him to get what he did. I wanted to tell my story but I wanted it to come from a place of love and compassion because how can you forgive and still have all that hate in your heart? Another lesson here...

So here goes....

Dear rapist,

I was shocked that you reached out to me after all this time. But I am glad I am finally getting this chance to tell you what happened to me because of your actions.

I was 15, my mom was going through breast cancer treatment, something she wouldn't let me tell anyone so I held on to this terrible secret alone.

A month later my dad died of a massive heart attack at the age of 45. My whole world was rocked to the core, I had never seen my mom cry before and here she was a hot mess. I didn't get to grieve because I was trying to help her get through her grief. I had no one to talk to, I was experiencing so many emotions and add to the fact that it was all with a fifteen year old brain. It was too much for me to handle.

So when you came along asking if I wanted a ride home from school and to smoke a joint, I jumped at the chance to escape from my life and problems. Yes, we were friends and when I decided to smoke with you I never thought it was anything but that.

I remember you even asked how I was doing with my dad being gone, I thought that was so sweet of you. After we smoked you somehow got a vibe that I was somehow into you, even though you knew I had been dating your friend for the last two years. Everyone knew he was my high school sweetheart and that we were madly in love.

Yet you "heard" I was easy, you believed the rumors in school that I was a slut because I had so many guy friends and so you decided to try to get some for yourself. When you went to kiss me, I asked you what you were doing, I reiterated that I had a boyfriend and I was in love.

But you heard none of that and when I tried to get out of the car you stopped me. You told me what you heard, that everyone else got some, so why not you. I said I was a virgin and I was saving myself for my boyfriend. You laughed as you continued to force yourself on me, even with me screaming and trying to fight you off. I thought you would come to your senses as I continued screaming please don't do this, I'm saving myself because I am a virgin but you didn't. When you were done, you opened the door and threw me into gutter of the street and drove off.

I ran for miles that night. I was shocked, I was numb.

I finally got home and scrubbed myself raw for hours in the shower trying to get the memory of you off me. Until I fell on the bottom of the tub and cried gut wrenching tears. Nothing was ever the same after that night.

During that time I turned 16, happy sweet sixteen to me! What was there to celebrate? My mom's cancer, my dead dad or being raped, and having my virginity taken away? And so a milestone birthday passed without a mention.

A month later I found out I was pregnant...Yeah, imagine that? I now had to tell my already depressed mother this news. She took me to get an abortion. I don't know if you remember abortion clinics back then but they had protesters outside with signs that said baby killers and many other horrible things. They called me a murderer and spit on me, even though they knew nothing of why I was here.

The doctor was no better, when I started to cry he said I should have thought about that before I spread my legs. Here I was, never even having been to a gynecologist before, alone and scared thinking where was God? What did I deserve to have all of this done to me.

On the way home my mother said "We shall never talk about this again" as if that would make this all magically go away.

During that Christmas break I spend my days and nights crying on my bed, not seeing or wanting to talk to anyone. I pushed my high school sweetheart away as I couldn't look him in the eyes knowing I wasn't pure anymore and yet not being able to tell him any of this.

That was the start of the end for me. In January I tried to kill myself. I never thought of the consequences of having my mother find me unconscious on the bathroom floor of an overdose.

Since that didn't work, and since there was no such thing as therapy back then, they just sent your ass home with a don't do that again. I had to find another way to cover the pain and not talk about my hurt. Then I found drugs and alcohol. They became my best friend for years, they understood me, they made me forget all the pain and anger I felt. I pulled away from everyone, especially God. I didn't believe there was a God, if there was why would he let me go through all of this. I cursed him and I cursed you every day, and I became bitter and angry.

To add insult to injury, I then had to see you, because my best friend moved in with you. Trust me it took all I had not to tell him but I knew he would have killed you and I couldn't let that happened to him.

To you, yes, I secretly prayed for that ...but not to ruin his life as well as mine. No, I couldn't let that happen and so I stayed quiet and pretended nothing happened.

You must have thought we were all good because I would be there picking him up and saying hello to you. I had to act normal because I knew he would ask questions. All the while in my head I prayed for the strength not to kill you myself. But I said nothing as I had become an expert at hiding my feelings and stuffing my pain with drugs.

This drug induced life went on for years as I couldn't tell my story, so this kept me going. Losing my 2 best friends within a year of each other at the age of 19. This sent me over the edge and into years of a cocaine addiction. That addiction ended in a 8 day coke binge with me waking up with my face stuck to my own vomit on my drug dealer's floor.

I finally went for help as I knew I had hit rock bottom. During therapy I realized that it wasn't my fault, just because I went for a ride with you, just because I smoked a joint with you, it didn't deserve me being raped. When a women says no, it's not period. 

For years this ate me up from the inside out, until I realized that I needed to forgive you, not for your horrible actions but so I could set myself free. So I could let go of all the bitterness and anger I held on towards you for so many years. I hated you and that hatred poisoned me for so long. You went along with your life not knowing or not caring, yet you still had a hold over me.

See, what you don't know is that I forgave you years ago as I needed to set myself free. I didn't need an apology from you to do so then, just like I don't need or expect one now.

This is now between you and God. This is for you to deal with or not, do as you seem fit to do, it's up to you. I am done, I forgave you, I've moved on and I have a clear conscience.

It took years for me to get to this place of peace in my life, and now, thank you because I am truly free as I have said my peace to you as well. Take it as you like, this is on you now, I am done.

So today my friends, being able to confront my rapist was truly freeing. I know he doesn't think he did anything wrong otherwise he wouldn't have reached out to me. He wasn't here to give me an apology obviously. See none of that no longer matters as this on him now. But let me reiterate to you one important point, like I said to him with or without an apology from him I am good. I didnt need an apology, I didn't need to tell him all of this to go on with my life. Today I write this blog for all the victims out there who haven't had the chance to confront their abusers. I am here to tell you to let it go, to forgive them, for you. Take back your life, do not let one more day go by letting them live in your head rent free. Know that today I am your voice, today I am saying what we all need and want to say and are unable to.

Today I am setting all of us free.

"Be the change you want to see"

@TreadmillTreats 

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