It's not them, it's you

It's not them, it's you

Recently I had to admit something to myself, after yesrs of my picking losers, I finally took a long hard look at myself and realize it's not them, it's me.

Now to any of you out there who have done this, this is a really hard revelation to come to and an even harder one to admit, but if you want things to change, you must stand up, look deep inside and then take ownership for it.

I need to own my faults and when recently an ex wanted to get back together and I decided against it, as he hadn't changed, he said some really ugly things to me.
As hurt and angry as I was, I had to stop and see if anything he said had any truth to it. Look there is a reason I have picked losers over and over again, I needed to find the common denominator, which I did and it was me!

So I asked some ex's for the brutal truth and what I got made me realize it was me and not them.

No, they were still losers but it was me and why I kept choosing them over and over.
I know for me I want to see the best in a person, I want to believe what they say, I want to fix them.

I also realized I have an issue that stems from my grandmother and her withholding love and affection from me, that I run after it harder to get it.

So why is it we want to believe so bad that a person has changed, that we try to see the good in a person? Because sometimes we need to see the truth, like maybe they are never going to change, maybe your beating a dead horse, maybe just maybe, there is no good in them.

I don't know but what I do know is I am going to figure this out, because until you realize your patterns with the same kind of men and figure out why you allow it to continue, you will keep repeating the same mistakes.

I have learned that I am quick to anger about something a man might have done or didn't do to me. I expect everyone to have the same heart as me and people don't. I have to have a open mind at what someone is communicating to me, and not to have that expectation of what I would or wouldn't do.
I have some lasting residue from being verbal abused for 24 years, issues I clearly need to deal with.

So I can not write this blog without being 100% real and so I am owning this in front of the world and I am dealing with it. I will be starting counseling, I started to go back to AA, to see if I am trading one addiction (I have been clean from cocaine for 29 years!) For another one, abuisve men. I need to work the steps to change, I been there and know this.

I need to fix this before I can find a real relationship that I am looking for in this, my second half of my life. I don't want a broken man just like he wouldn't want a broken women.

And so I am owning all of this, I am raising my hand to say I have an issue, I need help and I am willing to do the steps to change this. The fist step in the program is to admit you have a problem, I clearly have a problem and I want to fix it.
I hope you will follow this journey as maybe you might see some of you in me and want to change your patterns as well.

So I would like to thank my ex, even though some of the things you said cut me to the core, it made me think about what I needed to take ownership of.

So I am owning it and changing it, so I can be the best person I can be, the best "Tinkerbell" I can be, so when my "Prince Charming" comes I will be ready to live "happily ever after"

Because sometimes in order to get there, you have to admit it's not them, it's you.

"Be the change you want to see"
 
"And just when the caterpillar thought his life over...he turned into a beautiful butterfly"

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