I know suicide first hand

I know suicide first hand

These last two weeks have been hard on me. As I heard the news of two stars who took their own lives and I lost a friend of mine. It brought back alot of memories and made me think alot.

So as I sat in church on Sunday, I cried yet again. My Pastor was taking about the suicide of Kate Spade and Anthony Bordain and how when he was eleven he tried to kill himself. I cried because I've been there and the only reason I was sitting here today was because of my dear friend who God brought into my life to lead me back to him and this very church. And here I am 6 years later sitting next to her, still grateful for what she did for me, what God did for me.

The day after my attempted suicide when I fell in my knees and prayed to a God I no longer believed was in my life.  When I gave it all over to him as I had no other place to turn to, when I begged for help because I was hopeless. I walked into work and God put this women into my life to lead me back. She invited me to her church and when I went to church with her it was as if God had spoke through this man of God to me.

God had a plan for me, he was not done with me, even if I was done with myself.
See thoughts of suicide can effect all of us, any of us. We had too much pain, we can't see the sun as there have been too many storms. We feel unloved, hopeless, broken, nothing is going right, nothing we do is ever good enough.

It's too hard to keep fighting, to keep getting up, this is the last straw.Yes, we've all been there. Some of us get over it and some just don't have that fight left. We don't know what was going on with Robin, Kate or Anthony, we don't know what pushed them over the edge.

We saw what they wanted us to see just like we all do, we live in this Facebook land of everything is okay, my life is great when in actuality we are a hot mess!
We don't talk about it, we shove it deeper down and keep smiling until we are so broken there seems to only be one way out.

My little one asked me yesterday why I put my business out there to everyone. For me it's easy, I want to help others. I look at Oprah's story, Jim Carey, Les Brown, Tony Robbins and Steve Harvey's stories and I see that they were poor, homeless, abused,  broken and yet they did it, they made it, even when everyone said they wouldn't. I see their stories as hope and that's what I want to give people, hope, that if I can do it, you can do it too.

I want whoever is out there reading my blogs to say "Wow, look at all she's been through, yet through it all she keeps fighting, I can do it, I can make it"

I want to be an inspiration to others like these people were to me. This is why I am so honest, so raw about my life, believe me it's not easy writing yet again that I picked the 3rd loser in a row or that my kids aren't perfect. Or that even though I go to church twice a week I am still so far from perfect. I'd be lying and I have lied for too many years and I refuse to live there anymore.

So here I am open to criticism, to the haters, to being totally vulnerable so that I may help others. Laugh at me, talk about me, it's all good if I can help one person out there just barely holding on.

So today my friends remember you never know what someone is going through, those who laugh the most, help the most are sometimes the one's who are hurting the worst.
This should be a vessel to open up the discussion of mental health, of being real and of talking about your hurts. Let their lives not be in vain, talk to someone, a pastor, a counselor or the Suicide Prevention hotline.

Reach out because at one time or another we have all been there and know suicide first hand.

"Be the change you want to see"
 
"And just when the caterpillar thought his life over...he turned into a beautiful butterfly"

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