Working on therapy

Working on therapy

Recently I wrote that I started therapy because in my last 3 relationships they all said the same things about me. And I figured the dominating factor here was me so if I wanted to be in a healthy relationship I needed to make sure I was healthy.

I went to Women in Distress as they deal with abused women and their issues. I knew this much, that this, these triggers came from years of being in this verbally abusive marriage.

The first 2 sessions we talked about my past and what I was feeling. We talked about my triggers and what set me off. The 2nd session she informed me that I am suffering from PTSD. Wow that blew me away, she said it was common for women in these situations. It's like being in a war, day after day your putting up with abusive and your abuser. Your walking on eggshells, your scared every day that you will set him off. You give up all of yourself, your ideas and beliefs to make peace. You are on survivor mode 24/7.

I sat there with my mouth gaping, yes, all of these things were true. I never looked at it this way, I figured since I left and that I forgave him and myself that I was good.
I made a great life for myself, me and my girls are good. I have a good business I built, a home I love, I have amazing friends, a church that feeds my soul and am learning my self worth again.

But obviously there are some lingering effects from being in this "war zone" for 24 years.

I am learning that I have always been a "pleaser" which started with my mentality ill grandmother who refused to speak when I did something stupid a five or six year would do. She wouldn't talk to me for days, acting as if I wasn't there, even though she lived in the same house with me.

I would try anything to get her to love me again. This pattern continued to my friendships and then to my marriage. Always picking distanced, never happy people and me chasing them for their love.

I learned along the way that you can't make people happy,  no matter what you do, even if you did it perfect they will still find fault with something because it's their issue not yours.

I learned that the more they pulled away, stopped communicating, the colder they acted the more I tried to make it right, tried to "fix" the problem not realizing that they were the problem.

I have to reprogram my brain, I have to learn what triggers I have and what sets them off and how to stop this when it is happening.

This will not happen overnight and thank God I am a lot further than many women that were in my position. I am determined to be healthy and whole, I want a relationship that were are both healthy, that we both dealt with our issues and that is healthy and happy.

You can't fix something that you don't acknowledge, first rule in AA you must admit you have a problem. So if I can do this, if I can put my whole business out there for the world to see, you can do this and tell your family or friends. You have to, you must if you want to be whole again.
Asking for help isn't a stigma, it's just admitting your human, we are all human.

So today my friends, remember that help is available, you can change, you can leave, start over, your never too old, it's never to late.
Ask for the help you need, it will be okay and know that your not alone, I am here going through it too.
I will continue writing about my breakthroughs in my therapy and what steps I've learned to change it.

But don't get it twisted, me telling you, sharing tips is not the same as you actually going to speak with a professional. Reach out and get the help you need and as I say at the end of every blog...

"Be the change you want to see"
 
"And just when the caterpillar thought his life over...he turned into a beautiful butterfly"

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