The signs of Gaslighting

The signs of Gaslighting 

October is Domestic Violence Month, and I will be talking a lot about this topic. If you follow me, you know that I was in a verbally abusive marriage for 24 years. You also know that I had a long list of men I dated who were also in that category.

I kept dating men who were controlling, who were narcissistic, and who were passive-aggressive. Over and over again, I kept falling for these types of men. So to say I've been around this block of gaslighting quite a few times is an understatement. But I now can see it coming from a hundred yards away.

If you don't know what gaslighting is, here is what the definition is: 

"It is a form of psychological abuse where a person or group makes someone question their sanity, perception of reality, or memories. People experiencing gaslighting often feel confused, anxious, and unable to trust themselves."

So basically, it is when a person turns around everything you say and makes you think you are crazy. They make you question yourself, everything you say, and eventually make you the "bad guy" about everything.

One of my exes was famous for saying something mean and then adding,

"I'm just kidding," 

That doesn't make the knife wound any better by saying this.

If you have something to say to me, grow some balls and just say it, and mean it, but don't hide behind the "I'm just joking" bullshit.

Here are the other warning signs:

1. They lie, they will say they never said that even though clearly you just heard it ten minutes ago.

2. They will hold stuff that you did over your head for years. Even though you may have apologized for the mistake over and over again.

They have you question your very foundation, of the person you are.

3. They wear you down over time.

This is done gradually over time. A lie here, a lie there, a snide comment every so often...and then it starts getting worse. Even the brightest, most accomplished people can be sucked into gaslighting, especially if you are vulnerable.

It is like the "frog in the frying pan" analogy: The heat is turned up slowly, so the frog never realizes what's happening to it. 

4. Their actions do not match their words.

They will tell you how great and wonderful they are. They will promise you the moon but never fulfill their promises. Then they will blame you for their actions. An example is:

You plan a date with that person, and they totally blow you off, and you're understandably upset. When you tell them this, they turn it around and say it's your fault that you didn't remind them...wtf?? 

Look, you make time to want to be with the person you like. Why do you need to remind them? But in the end, this too will be made to be your fault.

5. They throw in positive reinforcement to confuse you. This person cutting you down, telling you that you don't have value, is now praising you for something you did. Now, you think, "Well, maybe they aren't so bad." Yes, they are. This is a calculated attempt to keep you off-kilter—and again, to question your reality. 

6. They project.

My ex-husband accused me of sleeping with everyone, including the mailman. They do this because they are doing this very thing, and they do it so often that you start trying to defend yourself and are distracted from their motives.

7. They try to make you think everyone feels this way about you.

Gaslighters are masters at manipulating and will make you feel like everyone knows this is the way you are. It is not just them. They will make comments, "This person knows you're useless too, that person sees this about you."

8. They tell you or others that you are crazy.

This is one of the most effective tools of the gaslighter because it's dismissive. They know how to set the stage, and they will always look like the good guy.  

9. They tell you everyone else is a liar.

That everyone you love or that you watch on social media is a liar and that they don't know what they're talking about.

10. The common phrases that they will say.

"Your fat" or insert any degrading word.

"You're crazy," 

"I never said that."

"It's all in your imagination,"

"Their crazy, don't believe them,"

"'I'm not angry'

 "No one else will ever love you,"

"It's your fault I did this,"

"If you were paying attention…”

“If you were listening…”

“We talked about this. Don’t you remember?”

“I guess I’ll have to repeat myself since you can’t remember.”

“You’re being irrational.”

“Don’t you think you’re overreacting?”

“Stop being so sensitive.”

“You’re too emotional.”

“You can’t take a joke.”

And my very favorite 

"Don't talk to me unless you apologize." 

So today, my friends remember that these are the warning signs, and no, you are not crazy. They just want you to think you are. When something in your gut is telling you something is wrong, for the love of God, listen to it before you get in too deep. And for those who were like me, already in or continue to pick the same type of men, seek help. You need to learn to trust your instincts, know your self-worth, and get out because this will only get worse. They will continue to do this behavior over and over again, this is their pattern, and this is their issue, not yours. They need to own their shit, this is not about you but about how they feel within themselves.

Learn to say enough is enough and find a healthy person to be with, fix your issues, and let it go. A person will only change when they admit they have a problem, and clearly, they want you to think this is your problem.

As I always say at the end of every blog 

"Be the change you want to see"

@Treadmilltreats