I was once in love with a narcissist

I was once in love with a narcissist

I don't talk about this much, I guess maybe after so many years of being miserable, I erased the years that I remember when we were good.

I know that you'll understand this if ever you were in an abusive relationship. See in the beginning they were like your Prince Charming, they were kind and sweet. They made you think the moon came out just for you and the sun shined through your eyes. They made you feel like you were the most amazing woman on Earth and that they were so grateful to be able to have you. They romanced you, they brought you flowers and candy, they played your favorite songs and told you they sang them thinking of you. They did so many romantic things that you kept thanking your lucky stars to have met someone like this.

They told you that you were one of the most beautiful women they had ever met. They flattered you, they complimented you, and they kept telling you how lucky they were that they found you. You were drunk with their love and affection and so little by little, they reeled you in until you got to a point where they would try to sell you the Brooklyn Bridge and you would be asking how much and what a deal you thought it was.

Maybe I don't think about the beginning a lot because it makes me realize that love makes you blind, that I was so desperate to find someone that I stopped listening to my intuition. Maybe it reminds me that not everything is as it seems and how I could be fooled so easily. Sometimes I feel bad for my girls as I never talk about the beginning and maybe I should as they need to realize the warning signs as well. That they should realize that when you truly love someone it is easy to try to please them to the point of losing yourself in the process.

It's funny last week I happened to be in my old neighborhood and I drove past our old house it was sad that I thought of so many bad times, so many times when he put me down, cursed at me, called me stupid and even though I remember all the good times with my girls, I couldn't think of a happy moment between me and him. All the pain took over any memories of the good or maybe it is because I feel the good times were fake, it was a bullshit story to get me to fall in love with him.

So then he could control me, he could change me into who he wanted me to be.
A lie to stifle me, to put out my inner light, to make me dependent on him. It's sad that you can be truly and wholly in love with someone and totally trust them and that turns into misery, into a life sentence of unhappiness and pain. Every day I give thanks I don't have to walk on eggshells not to set him off. Every day I am grateful I come home to peace and not hear the screaming that I didn't do this right or that wasn't good enough.

Every day I now cry because I am happy and not crying myself to sleep hating my life, hating the days of him ignoring me. The endless name calling...your stupid, your nothing without me, you never do anything right...
You do nothing, I am the one who pays all the bills, I am the one supporting your dumb ass.

Yes, every day I heard these things, every day my self-esteem dwindled little by little. Every day I hurt and I prayed for a better life. Every day for 24 years...So is it no wonder that I can't remember the good times?

But I must for you out there, for the women just meeting these narcotics, for the ones falling for the line of crap. I must remember so I can warn you, so I can be a voice for the many that still have no voice. I must keep writing and speaking of this otherwise it would have all been in vain. I must remember as this will help others and I did not go through 24 years of hell not to be able to help others. This has made me who I am today, this is my passion and my purpose to inspire others to leave, to find the strength, and to know that you are not what he says you are. You are beautiful, intelligent, independent, self-sufficient women who can and will be happy if you trust yourself, if you ask for help, and if you believe and can envision a new life. I am living proof that you can do it too.

So today my friends, listen to your gut, if it seems too good to be true, it is. Look for the red flags, stop making excuses, and see him for who he truly is. A wolf in sheep's clothing, a predator looking for his prey, a narcissist looking for someone to control. Look closely and then run for your life trust me I know, I was once in love with a narcissist.

"Be the change you want to see"
 
"And just when the caterpillar thought his life over...he turned into a beautiful butterfly"

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