As bad as it is, the pain will fade
As bad as it is, the pain will fade
I am writing this because I know it's been a bad year for many people and that many of you will relate to these feelings. This was hard to write, to be this raw about how I felt at a time in my life that was so painful for me but I want you to know that you're not alone. I want you to know that it will get better and this is why I write this blog to help others.
I remember going through some difficult times in my life and I realized that yes, I might be in pain now but in time that pain will fade. I was thinking of the people who were once in my life, people that I loved who are now no longer there. We all go through losses, we lose someone to death, your parents, friends or God forbid a child. That hole that these losses create in your heart is deep, that pain is so bad you want to die with them.
You lose a person you love, a marriage, the love of your life and it feels like your heart is breaking into pieces, you can't breathe it hurts so bad. Your best friend betrays you, the one you thought had your back, the one you spoke to every day and told your deepest, darkest secrets to, and now you're hurt and broken because of that betrayal.
I know all of these situations as unfortunately, I've lost too many people in my life. More than one person should ever have to, but it is what it is. I lost them to death, taken way too soon. I've lost love and never thought I'd ever love again and I've been stabbed in the back by best friends for that I would give my life. And I can't sugarcoat it, it fucking sucks...sorry, that's as real as I can come with it and that is exactly how it feels as well.
You want to crawl up in a ball and pull the covers over your head until the pain goes away. You lose your zest for life, nothing makes you happy. You can't do anything, physically and mentally you're on lockdown as you can't concentrate on anything but this pain you feel. Every breath you take hurts, your heart hurts, and your body even hurts, as it affects all of you. And to make matters worse everywhere you turn something reminds you of them. A song on the radio, or someone who looks like them, Facebook has to throw it in your face every day too in your remember when..yuggg!! You can't run from it and you're thinking seriously? Just leave me alone, I am in enough pain!
You think this pain will literally kill you, it hurts that bad. You try to put on your fake smile and try to do your job and get through your day secretly counting the minutes you can get into your car and cry your eyes out. Running home to climb into your bed and cry yourself to sleep because sleep is the only peace you have. Until even there, they are in your dreams as well and sleep eludes you. You pray for this pain to go away and ask when will it be over. You never think you're going to be whole again and it's too much for you to take.
Then one day, half of a day goes by and you haven't broken down, you haven't thought of them for a few hours. Then it hits you yet again and it's worse than the beginning.
It's like 2 steps forward and 4 backward....you want to scream. Everyone is giving you advice that you couldn't care less about but you know they are trying their best to help you. You know there is no help, no magic potion you can take to make you feel better because hell, you even Googled that shit. Yes, you are that desperate.
Then one day you can breathe without it hurting, you can laugh without faking it and you think hey, maybe I am moving on. This pain may take weeks, it may take months, or years even, sorry I can't give you an exact time frame. Everyone is different, everyone deals differently and there is no "set" time frame for grief.
I still mourn my dad and he's been gone for almost 40 years. I still go to pick up the phone to call my mom and she's been gone 8 years. It never gets easier but the pain fades. One day you will be able to look back and not cry at the drop of a dime. You'll be able to feel again and feel like a real person. You will even fall in love again as long as you don't shut yourself off because the pain made you that afraid. We all go through pain in our lives and yes, as bad as it sucks it makes us grow, it makes us stronger and we learn lessons from it. I've learned that life is too short, to live it large every day with no regrets. I've learned that I will still trust people and see the best in them even if I've been betrayed. And I learned that I will love again despite the chance of a broken heart because life without love is not worth living.
So today my friends, remember you will be hurt, you will lose people you love and you will be brokenhearted but this is life and trust me as bad as it may feel, the pain will fade, and you will be okay.
Just hold on, take one day at a time, or one minute at a time but trust and believe you will be okay and this pain you feel will eventually fade.
** I know this has been a tough year so I will be putting this number out there for all that needs it...I been there and I know how dark it may seem, but there is help, it will get better...I am living proof of
"This too shall pass"**
Please get help, call today:
National Suicide Hotline: 24/7
1-800-273-8255
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