Yes, I Was A Liar

Yes, I Was A Liar

Yes, it's hard to admit a flaw like that, to yourself and especially to the world. But if you want to be real, if you want to learn from your mistakes you must be brutally honest with yourself. 

There are all kinds of excuses you can make and hell I did, but the bottom line is that you did it. So own it, make a change and move on. Here's the funny thing, I was just a liar in my marriage, in the rest of my life I was brutally honest and would always tell you like it is, yet in my marriage I lied constantly. 

I remember when my ex husband called me a liar after our divorce, once again. I had to admit he was right. These are the facts I had to own when figuring out my part in the demise of my marriage. Even if he was verbally abusive to me, I still had a part in this as well.

I never lied before, I couldn't be bothered keeping up with lies so I never told them. Lies were too much work for me but in this marriage I became one. Hell, I was an expert liar, I lied about everything! 

Yes, shocked aren't you? It didn't start off that way in the beginning. I was honest and I was so in love with him. I would have done anything for him but as he started to get more controlling and I started letting go of my power that's when it changed. When he started accusing me of cheating and didn't want me to see my friends anymore, it was then I started to lie.

To me it was the only way to still do what I wanted, to be able to see the people that I loved and to keep that part of me alive. Yes, I know it's all excuses, but it is what it is.

So yes, I lied about seeing friends. He would want to come with me and I knew I couldn't be myself around him, so I lied and said no men were invited. My best friend was gay and he was homophobic and hated him, so when he came to town I would lie and say I was seeing a girlfriend. I lied about being in love with him and wanting to make this marriage work. The only reason I was there was fear, fear of not being able to make it on my own, and fear of the unknown.

I lied all the years that I had an emotional affair with my high school sweetheart. All the secret phone calls, the letters, my heart was with him and not in my marriage. And even though we were thousands of miles away and weren't together in that sense, we were still having an emotional affair. I lied about sneaking onto Facebook to talk to old friends who I desperately missed and he wouldn't allow me to keep in contact with. I even lied about going to church. How bad is that? Yes, it was bad and that was the last straw, it was then that I knew I had to change. All the lies were eating me up inside, and remembering them became a chore. I wanted to be free of all of it! Free of him.

And so I made a change, simple as that. I woke up and had enough and I decided to change. I stopped lying because I knew I was finished in this marriage, it was over and I was done. There was no reason to lie anymore. I learned my self worth and I could finally be me without the fear of what he was going to do to me, this set me free.

So today my friends, take a deep, hard look at yourself and be brutally honest when you look at your flaws. 

Since I walked away I no longer lie, I own my truth, and am truthful about everything in my life including my failures. It's okay to own what you did and it's up to you to make the change. It's never too late to change because it's the only way you can be the change you want to see.

@TreadmillTreats

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