Where my crazy faith came from Part 1

Where my crazy faith came from
Part one

I've been told I have crazy faith and yes, I do but I hadn't always had this faith. There was a time I hated God, when I cursed his very name.
Surprised you? Yes, I always tell you I am not perfect and there was a time I never thought I would ever believe again.

Growing up I was catholic, I went to Sunday school and even did a brief stint in catholic school. We were taught we were going to hell. Everything we did or said you were going to hell. Oh, but you were not just going to hell, you were going to burn in hell!

All that changed when I was 8 and going for my communion. The priest called my mom into his office 2 weeks before my communion and told her I couldn't make it. He said because she was divorced, she was ex comuniticated from the church and therefore I couldn't do it.

Now he knew this for years as my step father woke his drunk ass up every Sunday for as many years as we lived upstate. My step father was a huge part of this church so he knew alright.

My mom was pissed, growing up in the catholic church and still having a bitter taste in her mouth for it. As she clearly remembered the days where she would have to stand in the back of the church as she didn't have the money to be allowed to sit in the half empty church.

She came home and called my dad who lived in the city. He drove up to have a "talk" with the priest. After a little hand greasing, unbelievably, I was allowed to get my communion...surprise, surprise.
Yeah, money talks and bullshit walks...

After the service as we were walking out my mom stopped us in front of the priest and said in her tough New York fashion.

"You see this face? Take a good look at it because your never going to see it again in your fucking church"

And with that she walked away, without a backwards glance at his dumbstruck, opened mouth.
I remember thinking oh, she's definitely going to burn in hell for that one!

She then informed me it was my choice if I wanted to go back to church or not. Hell, that was no choice for me, I was out of there with her, I hated that boring place. I bounced around from church to church with friends as my mom was true to her word and never went back to a church again.

I was still searching for God and I wanted to have a relationship with him but that all changed when I was 15.
In a span of 6 months my life fell apart. In July my mom got cancer, in September my dad had a massive heart attack and died at 45. In October, I was raped and had to endure a horrible abortion in December.
In January, I tried to kill myself as this was too much for me to endure.

I remember the day I cursed God, it was on that cold metal table with tears running down my face, scared to death of having to get this abortion. I remember the doctor yelling at me.

"You should have thought of this before you spread your legs"

It was in that moment I knew there couldn't be a God. Where was he? Where was his grace and mercy through all of this? Why would he allow all this to happen to a 15 year old and a virgin, no less? Maybe my mother cursed us? Whatever the reason I didn't care, I hated him and didn't even believe in anything any more.

I fell into a life of drugs and alcohol for many years. Never giving God any mind in all that time. Until he took my two best friends at the age of 19 within a year of one another, then I cursed him yet again.

I laughed at people who spoke of him, as I cursed him every night for my childhood he let be taken away from me.

Many years later while I was deep into my drug addiction, after a 8 day coke binge I awoke to my face being stuck in vomit on my coke dealers floor. It was then I knew I needed help.

Why is it, in our time of need it is then we reach out to him. It is then we call his name for help, when we have have no one else to turn to.

I was no different, I was going down a road with no return and if i didn't do something fast it going to be a one way ticket. And so on my drug dealers dirty floor, I got on my knees and started to pray.

"God, I know I cursed you, I know I denounced you, I know I've been a horrible child but I don't know what to do. I don't know where to turn. I need help, I am dying here and I am sorry please help me, please save me...."

It was at that moment I felt like I was getting struck by lightning, from the top of my head to the tips of my toes something went through my body and I thought well, this is it, God is striking me dead for asking for his help. I am going to die on my drug dealers dirty floor, serves me right.

Stay tuned for part 2 on how I got my crazy faith.

"Be the change you want to see"
 
"And just when the caterpillar thought his life over...he turned into a beautiful butterfly"

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