If you could only see what I see

If you could only see what I see

I say this all the time to my daughter. When she asks me if she's fat, or does her makeup look good or how this or that outfit looks. I tell her she is beautiful, that she has an amazing body but she says you have to say that because your my mom.
I tell her if you can only see yourself the way I see you.

I see a beautiful, kind, funny, sweet young women with a killer body that one day you'll be thinking dam, I wish I had that body again.
I wish she could see herself through my eyes.

Well, yesterday at lunch, my two soul sisters said the same thing to me and it took me back.

They said "If only you could see yourself the way we see you, you would value yourself.
If you could see what an amazing woman you are if you could see how beautiful, how smart, how funny and dam, how handy you are, you would know what a catch you are. If you could see how hard you work, how big your heart is, how much you've been through, what a survivor you are, you wouldn't be so fast to give it away to the useless men you date.

You would know your value as we know your value and know that to get a diamond as precious as you are, you have to dig deep and work hard for it. These men aren't worth your time and effort, yet your so quick to let them in and give them wife benefits when they are not even worthy of friend benefits. They need to work, bring something to the table, they need to be from God. And you need to know your worth, you need to put your foot down, stop entertaining stupid, useless and going nowhere men"

Wow... I sat there with my mouth open. Look I realize and own the part that I entertain stupid, useless men. I know that part but the fact that they said the same thing I tell my daughter hit me in the gut and knocked the air out of me.

Maybe I need to see myself the way they see me, the way I wish my daughter can see herself.
Years ago I had no problem with self-esteem, I knew who I was and I would kick you to the curb in a heartbeat. But after so many years of put-downs, of trying to please someone, giving all of myself to please them when they would never be happy with anything I did, I kind of lost that.
And coming out of that 24-year abusive marriage, I fell right back into that pattern of controlling, narcissist, self-centered men who only cared about their own needs and not mine.
I put up with their bullshit because I am a pleaser, I try to make everyone happy even at my own expense.
I want you to love me so I let shit go, I try harder, because maybe somewhere in the back of my mind I don't feel worthy. I keep hearing my ex's voice saying "You're worthless, your nothing"

I keep thinking of my grandmother who as a little child when I would do something to displease her, she wouldn't talk to me. She would withhold her love to me and I would try and try to make her happy, to make her love me again. These things shaped my psyche made me who I am today. And as much as I have grown, as independent as I've become these scars are still there and still obviously rule my decisions, especially when it comes to men and love.

But as in the program, they tell you you first must admit you have a problem before you can fix it. So I admit I still have a problem, I know I have grown, but I also know that this is an issue that I must address now.

I know they told me this because they truly love me and want to see me happy with someone who who value me, someone who will treasure me, and be worthy of what I bring to the table just like I feel about my daughter.

So today my friends, look at yourself through someone else's eyes. See what they see, who you are to them, it is only then that you will be able to truly see yourself.

That maybe, just maybe you will see clearly the things you need to change and finally see yourself the way others see you.

You are worthy, you are beautiful, you are smart, independent, a fighter.
You can do it, whatever "it is", you got this, you my friend are beautifully and wonderfully made, as he makes no mistakes.
So let's together, learn our lessons, learn our worth and realize that you are the very rarest diamond because there is only one of you, you are one of a kind and if someone wants you they are going to have to work hard to get you.
Nothing worth anything comes easy.....
Let me show you what I see....
If you could only see what I see.....

"Be the change you want to see"
 
"And just when the caterpillar thought his life over...he turned into a beautiful butterfly"

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