Why addicts do what they do

Why addicts do what they do

Yesterday, I wrote about our country's addiction to painkillers. I think that if you have a problem and you don't get the help you need, you can easily fall down this rabbit hole of addiction.

See, a lot of people can't understand an addict's behavior, and I get that because if you haven't been there, it is hard to understand.

I openly tell my story of being an addict as it is part of who I was, and it is part of who I am today.

My addiction shaped my life. It was all I thought about. When was the next time I was going to get high? Where I was going to cop? How much will I get? These were all questions that ran through my head all day until I could get to my next high. It consumed me, and in the end, it was all I wanted, all I cared about and all that would soothe my pain.

I know many addicts and we all have the same thing in common, we will always be addicts. Even if we have been clean like me, for 34 years, we still are addicts. We just turn our addictions into something else.

I turned my addiction into something healthy. 

I exercised every day, sometimes twice a day. I then went for men who treated me horrible. Men who I ran after for love and affection, I traded one addiction for another, for another.

My ex brother in law turned his drug addiction into a gambling addiction and then a food addiction. As did my ex father in law who gave up gambling for food, and then even when he had gastric surgery and lost the weight, he then started drinking, all typical addict behavior. 

A dear friend of mine, who years ago used to get high with me, is now like my adopted sponsor. She also gave up drugs for women and then turned to food and is finally realizing her behavior and is changing it.

I know this as I went to counseling for many years, I know this is how this works. Even though I thought I got this, sometimes you don't get it at all. Hell, even my ex best friend, who was clean for 9 years, met a man and fell off the wagon, hurting her family and her friends, even losing her children in the process. Trust me when I tell you addiction is huge.

I still had addictive behaviors even years later.

I used to go back to exes over and over. Why? Expecting what? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. There are no different results there, yet I was looking there once again…

Hello!!...Asshole, move on! Again, all addict behaviors.

My friend has a tendency to be "Captain Save a Hoe" as we call her. She is always trying to save a hoe when she just needs to walk away. Again addict behavior.

Sometimes we think we are good, and it is then, when we slip. Like falling for ex's lines, remembering what we want to remember and not the whole picture, and so we think we can do this... and next thing you know, you're sucked back in.

We know better. It's like an alcoholic saying I'm going into this bar after being clean for 20 years, and I got this. I can have one drink. One drink turns into 5. Five drinks turn into the floor, and there goes your chip.

I can never have one snort, I know that, if I do, it's over for me. I know and openly admit I am an addict.

So, years ago, when I went back and started talking to an ex, I realized my addict behavior was kicking in again. I reached out to my "sponsor" as I needed to talk about my issues of why I have this need to keep going back there. Why do I have this need of closure, of addiction for something, or in my case, someone who is clearly no good for me.

Yet there I was, yet again because I was hurting and I felt alone, so I ran to get something that would soothe my pain, or so I thought.

Addicts don't look at the whole picture. We only look at the here and now. We are in pain right now. We can't deal with what is going on, and so we need to get something to cover up what we are feeling. We don't see that future. We only see getting our fix. We don't see that it will feel worse than before, and so the cycle begins again...and again and again.

We need to learn our behaviors and learn the healthy ways of dealing with our issues and our pain. I am still learning where this stems from and steps to take to stop it. So once again, I went back to AA and to counseling as I needed to work the program and to get a grip on my life.

I am not ashamed of this, I want to be a healthy, whole person, and if I slip in this behavior, who says I can't slip into my more toxic behaviors like before. So, I am being proactive in my journey of my new life.

So today, my friends, I'm here to tell you to know your addictions, because we all have them. Maybe not as bad as mine, or maybe it may be worse than mine. We all have skeletons in our closets, and we all have buttons that set us off to the deep end. I am just more honest about mine, and I want to help others be open and get the help they need.

There is no shame in saying your human, in saying I need help, that my life is a mess, and I can't deal with it.

The first step in AA teaches you to admit that you have a problem. You can't change, you can't get help until you admit you have a problem and it's okay, trust me, it's okay... you're not alone.

This is why addicts do what they do because we are trying to hide what we don't want to deal with. 

The issues won't go away on their own. You must own them, deal with them, and as I always say at the end of every blog....

"Be the change you want to see"

@TreadmillTreats