I'm every women

I'm every woman

Recently because I am still somewhat stupid when it comes to men, I entertained a conversation with an ex.. on my birthday no less.

This was a man that I was once crazy in love with even though he was toxic to me. It took me a long time to get past him and the hurt I put myself through being with him. See at the time I didn't know my worth and so I accepted bullshit from men. Like when he wouldn't call or text me for days, how he "couldn't rush into anything" and all of the other shit he gave me. So why in God's name would I entertain anything he said right? Because sometimes we need to analyze things that people say. We need to shift through the bullshit and see if there is any truth to any of it.

And yes, he was right about a few things I needed to work on, which at the time, I did and it brought me to a better place about me. He told me that I was quick to jump to conclusions and quick to get mad. At first, I thought he was full of it but when I thought about it more and then spoke to another man I had dated I realized I was. Wow...revelation...I never saw myself like that and so I decided to dig deeper and see why I do what I do and came to realize that I still have leftover crap from my verbally abusive marriage.

No, this isn't an excuse but it is a starting point for change. See you can't change if you don't admit you have a problem, the first step in AA. Yes, I took a lot of what he said and I worked on making myself better. Well, this time after listening to all he said I sat along time with it because I really needed to look for the truth in it if there was any at all. But again he was right, I was fiercely independent, and I was quick to cut someone off if I didn't agree with them. I do have dual personalities not as in the multiple kinds but in the sense that I am a strong woman who can do it all herself but I want a man to help me and take over as well. As he put it I am Superwoman sprinkled with Tinkerbell. Yes, that is me I am strong but I believe in fairytales and really what's so wrong with that?

See not everything he said was on the money especially when he talked of my friendships, which because he doesn't have the type I do, doesn't mean they don't exist. My point is I took all he said and I examined it, I dissected it and I took what I needed to look at and threw the rest away. I am not perfect I tell you this in every blog but I want to be the best me I can be and the only way I can do this is if I look deep inside and change the parts of me that aren't working.

You are never too old, to learn and to change, and trust me when I tell you I've learned more lessons these last 9 years than in my whole life. Why you may ask? Because I was open to seeing what was real and what were my problems. I was no longer saying "what was done to me" but what was the lesson I needed to learn from it. That changed everything for me, looking for the lessons, and believe me there is a lesson in everything. You just have to be open and willing to look for it and then take it and change.

So today my friends I dedicate this blog to him even as much as he hurt me, as much as he infuriates me at times, and even though not all of what he says is noteworthy, I thank you for being honest with me and wanting to help me to change.

I will tell you, I am who I am...I will always be Superwoman mixed with Tinkerbell, I will always have a lot of friends and I will always put myself out there for people and have this big heart. But the rest... well there is always room for improvement even if I am every woman.

"Be the change you want to see"
 
"And just when the caterpillar thought his life over...he turned into a beautiful butterfly"

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