Why addicts do what they do

Why addicts do what they do

A lot of people can't understand an addicts behavior and I get that because if you haven't been there it is hard to understand.

I openly tell my story of being an addict as it is part of who I was and it is part of who I am today.
My addiction shaped my life, it was all I thought about. When was the next time I was going to get high? Where I was going to cop? How much will I get? These were all questions that ran through my head all day until I could get high.

It consumed me at the end, it was all I wanted, all I cared about and all that would soothe my pain. I know many addicts and we all have the same thing in common, we will always be addicts. Even if we have been clean like me, for 29 years, we still are addicts.
We just turn our addictions into something else.

I turned my addiction into something healthy, I exercised every day sometimes twice a day. I then went for men who treated me horrible, men who I ran after for love and affection, I traded one addiction for another, for another.
My ex brother in law turned his drug addiction into gambling and then food, as did my ex father in law who gave up gambling for food and then even had gastric surgery and then started drinking, all typical addicts behavior. My girlfriend who now is my adopted sponsor also gave up drugs for women and then food and is finally realizing her behavior and is changing it.

I know this as I went to counseling for many years, I know how this works. Even though I thought I got this, sometimes you don't got it. Hell, even my ex best friend who was clean for 9 years, met a man and fell off the wagon hurting her family and her friends, even losing her children in the process. Trust me when I tell you addiction is huge.

Even still I have addictive behaviors. I go back to ex's over and over, why? Expecting what? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. There is no different results there yet here I am looking...Hello!!...Asshole move on!

My girlfriend has a tendency to be Captain Save a Hoe, as we call her. She always is trying to save a hoe, when she just needs to walk away.

And sometimes we think we are good and it is then we slip. Like falling for ex's lines, remembering what we want to remember and not the whole thing and so we think we can do this... and next thing you know your sucked back in.

Hello!! We know better, it's like an alcoholic saying I'm going into this bar after being clean for 20 years and I got this, I can have one drink. One drink turns into 5, turns into the floor and there goes your chip.
I can never have one snort, I know that, I can never have one drag of a cigarette or it's over for me. I know that, I know and openly admit I am a addict.

So recently when I went back to talking to an ex, I realized my addict behavior. I reached out to my "sponsor" as I needed to talk about my issues of why I have this need to keep going back there, this need of closure, of addiction for something or in my case someone, who is clearly no good for me.
Yet there I was yet again because I was hurting and I felt alone so I ran to get something that would soothe my pain or so I thought.

Addicts don't look at the whole picture, we only look at the here and now. We are in pain right now, we can't deal with what is going on and so we need to get something to cover up what we are feeling. We don't see that later on when we get our fix, we will feel worst then before and so the cycle begins again...and again and again...

We need to learn our behaviors and learn the healthy ways of dealing with our issues and our pain. I am still learning where this stems from and steps to take to stop it. So once again I will be going back to AA... as I need to work the program to get a gripe on my life.
I am not ashamed of this, I want to be a healthy, whole person and if I slip in this behavior who says I can't slip into my more toxic behaviors like before.
So I am being pro active in my journey of my new life.

So today my friends, know your addictions, we all have them. Maybe not as bad as mine, maybe worst than mine. We all have skeletons in our closets and we all have buttons that set us off the deep end. I am just more honest about mine ad I want to help others be open and get the help they need.
There is no shame in saying your human, in saying I need help, that my life is a mess, and I can't deal with it.

The first thing AA teaches you is the first step is admitting you have a problem. You can't change, you can't get help until you admit you have a problem and it's okay, trust me it's okay...your not alone.
This is why addicts do what they do because we are trying to hide what we don't want to deal with.
The issues won't go away on their own so as I always say at the end of every blog
"Be the change you want to see"
 
"And just when the caterpillar thought his life over...he turned into a beautiful butterfly"

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