Not selling my soul anymore

Not selling my soul anymore 

Four years ago today, I should have been on a private luxury catamaran sailing around the British Virgin Islands for nine days. Yes, this would have been a once in a lifetime trip, definitely a check off my bucket list but this trip also came with a price. I am not talking about monetarily, I am talking about a soul price.

We all have a soul price, something we will put up with because of the benefits.

It could be a job that you hate but the benefits make you stay. It may pay you a lot of money, or give you lots of paid time off, something that makes you put up with the bullshit of the job.

It could also be a friendship, because that person knows you better than anyone else in the world and you don't think you can get that from anyone else, so you put up with their negativity and crap.

It could be a marriage, like the one I was in or a relationship like this one that I am telling you about. You are there because you are living the good life, a nice house, designer clothes, fancy cars, big vacations, lots of toys, so you sell your soul, you put up with abuse, cheating, lying whatever they will throw at you, for the piece of the "good life"

It doesn't matter, it's all the same, you are selling your soul for something. It doesn't feel good anymore yet you're still there, you're not happy but you think it could be worst.You think you can't find better, you make excuses...it's not so bad...

See I did that for way too many years and I swore I would never do it again. So when I got this trip as a gift from someone I was dating, I knew at the time of the gift that this relationship was over. Trust and believe, it did cross my mind to suck it up and just go...Hello, I am human... and it was an unbelievable trip!

But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I couldn't do it. I couldn't fake feelings I didn't have, pretending to want to be there with this person when I knew good and well he was not the man for me.

I realized that I had to fake it for so many years and now that I was free, I refuse to have to do that, ever in my new life.

So I broke up with him and believe me, I had so many people called me crazy. They said just go, it's a once in a lifetime trip, suck it up....Yes, I heard it all but I still couldn't do it. I needed to be able to look myself in the mirror and be okay and this was not okay. 

I had already realized that he was passive aggressive and controlling just like my ex-husband. I was not going down the same road I fought so hard and for so many years, to run away from.

No, I was going to be honest, I was walking away with dignity and with my self respect. I was done and nothing, not even a bucket list dream vacation was keeping me here.

See I, like so many others don't need to be hit over the head with the same lessons, going from one abusive relationship to another. I learned my lesson, it was time to move on, time to cut my losses and be ready for the one God has for me. 

I am in the second half of my life, I can't waste time nor do I want to waste time on things that are not good for me, or are not going somewhere. I have big plans for this half and pretending, not being me and selling my soul is definitely not on the list.

If a luxury catamaran cruise is for me, it will happen...I will not have to sell my soul for it.

I know that there have been so many lessons I've learned in the 8 years that I walked away from my marriage. There have been many eye opening experiences, life changing, ahh haa moments in this journey but the biggest lesson I've learned is to be me, to be true to myself.

I will no longer compromise who I am, I will no longer settle. I will no longer live my life just to make others happy, this is my life and I am going to live it my way, whether you like it or not, too bad.

So today my friends instead of sending you a postcard from some exotic place, I am writing this. But I can tell you I am happy, I am good with this decision, and with my life.

I own my dignity and my self respect. I can say that I am the captain of my own destiny and I now know that nothing is worth the price of my soul.

"Be the change you want to see"

 

"And just when the caterpillar thought his life over...he turned into a beautiful butterfly"

**Now released my latest book**

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