I responded to my rapist Part 1

I responded to my rapist part 1

Last week I wrote about my rapist reaching out to me on Facebook messenger. His exact words were "I don't know if it's okay with you but I wanted to say hi"

I was blown away, I couldn't speak, all I kept thinking was why? What did he want from me? Did he really think I wanted to be goomba's on Facebook? What??

It shook me to the core, so much so I had to write about it. I wrote that I forgave him years ago, not for the heinous thing he did to me, but for me to let go of the hate and anger I held on to for so many years.

I didn't need or expect an apology from him and it didn't seem like he was offering one anyways, so why should I respond? It knocked me off center, it shook my peace. This and so many other things I had been dealing with recently, really knocked me for a loop.

I've felt like a drowning person just barely holding on...I hadn't felt like this in years. The one thing I could count on in my walk, was my peace but with all of this coming at me at once, it robbed me of it.

I thought long and hard, I wrote and rewrote messages to send to him. I erased many right before I pushed the send button. I played a game of back and forth with myself.

But one of the lessons I have been learning lately is to step back, to not jump from go. I need to learn to digest what is happening, step back and pray about it before going off the handle.

So I practiced it, I stood back, I prayed and then my answer came. I write this blog to help others, to be a voice for others that have none.
And as my dear friend Hassina pointed out, many people don't have the opportunity to confront their abusers, I did and I needed to do it for them.
And then I needed to write about it and share it for the ones who follow me.

I reached out to another dear friend who is way farther along in her walk than I am and spoke to her about this. She said maybe God put this here so he could apologize or maybe it was a test for me about forgiveness, whatever it was I needed to respond. So the smartass in me said "So, what does God want me to say?"

She responded "What is it you want from me?"
Okay, I thought I can do that and so I did and his response was a kick in the chest.

He said "I don't want anything, I don't know what happened back then. We were friends, in fact you were my best friend at one time and I am sorry for whatever happened. I just wanted to see how life treated you"

Ha! This had to be God seeing if I was learning this lesson about stepping back. But I did and I thought about what he said. Yes, we were friends, yes, best friends at one point, hell he was even friends with my boyfriend at the time, so why would he do this? Did none of this go through his head at the time of him raping me?
He didn't know what happened? When I was screaming please don't, I am a virgin.
I was angry and sad all at once, this person who once was my friend ruined my life for years and here he is acting like he had no idea what happened.

I decided that I couldn't respond right away, I knew I needed to step back and think about what I wanted to say.

I prayed for the right words, I prayed that my words would help him see what he did and how it effected my life for years to come.

It has taken me weeks to respond and tomorrow I will write about what I actually wrote vs what I wanted to write right off the bat.

So today my friends, these are all lessons we are all learning. Yes, even at this age we are still learning them. If you are to keep growing and evolving, you need to learn lessons, you need to be able to grow and change. To look at things from different points of views and to be able to forgive and move on. Big lesson I've been learning over and over lately.
We are never to old to learn new tricks so stay tuned to my response in part 2 tomorrow.

"Be the change you want to see"
 
"And just when the caterpillar thought his life over...he turned into a beautiful butterfly"

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