Self producing karma

Self producing karma

Yesterday I wrote about forgiveness and the lessons I have been trying to teach my girls.

While we were talking, we talked about forgiving and friendship with our ex's. I said we were all once on love with that person. I went on to say I was madly in love with their dad, I think they were shocked at that.

Maybe I don't talk about that part of our relationship much and I guess I should have. I told them it was because I was madly in love with him that I gave so much of myself to him. I would do anything for him including giving of my self worth and my soul to try to please him.

I went on to say that I have forgiven him and I could honestly say I could be friends with him. They laughed and said that would never happen as he hates me with a venom. That every time my name is brought up his whole demeanor changes, he is filled with hate, rage and bitterness.

Look I would get it if I cheated on him or if I robbed all our money or maybe if I treated him like he treated me but I did none of these things. I was miserable and I wanted to be happy, for whatever time I had on this earth and for that he hates me.

I remember in the beginning I would ask where is karma? I got nothing, no alimony, 250.00 a month in child support for both girls. He took both businesses and hid all our cash. He did all kinds of cruel things to me in our divorce to get back at me for leaving him. I cried out where is karma? He still got the big lifestyle, the fancy car, the trips and toys while I struggled just to pay the rent.
I gave 24 years to him in this marriage and I got nothing! Where was the karma in that?

But it was at that very moment that I realized he is living in his own self producing karma.
He is just like his mother, bitter and angry, 40 years later. Letting all of that hatred eat her up, making her sick, owning her life for years.
He is living his karma each and every day, he put himself in a self induced jail and he's rotting away there.

I on the other hand have forgiven him, I've moved on. I have no hatred for him just sorrow that he has learned nothing from this. I am sorry he has not owned anything he did and that he still treats my girls like crap. I am sorry my girls need to see him when he gets that way when he speaks about their mother.

I pray for him, yes, you read that right. I pray that he will change for my girls, so they don't think it's okay to behave this way, that they can learn forgiveness and I pray that one day they are not stuck in their own self induced karma.

I wish him well, I know that these were lessons I needed to learn in this lifetime and as hard as they were, I needed them. I would not have my beautiful daughters, I would not be writing this blog, I would not know my own strength if I didn't go through all of this.
So I am grateful for all of this and I forgive him so that I could release all the bitterness and hatred I had, so that I could move on.

You can not have hate and love in your heart, it poisons everything. You can not have peace and anger at the same time, you cannot have joy and bitterness at the same time. You have to choose what you fill your heart with. I choose to let it go, to move on, to own my own shit and let it go. I choose peace and joy and I decided to let karma do it's own thing, in it's own time.

So when you ask where is karma? You might be looking at it straight in the face. You might be living your own self producing karma

"Be the change you want to see"
 
"And just when the caterpillar thought his life over...he turned into a beautiful butterfly"

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