Lost in a sea of denial

Lost in a sea of denial

There's so many people in this world that are just lost in a sea denial. They would rather die than admit to any type of wrongdoing, or to raise their hand and say I own this, this is me, I did this and I'm sorry.

I don't understand why it's so hard for people to do this? I know after my divorce I swore I would never lie about anything in my life and so I'm constantly honest about who I am and what I've done. I am honest about what I continue to do because as a human we are all going to fuck up but the point of being human, the most important point is to be able to say "Hey, I fucked up, I'm sorry and what's the lesson I can learn from this, for the next time"

I know people who for the last 20 years or longer, have had a drug and alcohol problem. People who go through one relationship after another but none of the relationships that they ever been in was ever their fault, everything was always everyone else's fault.

Recently, someone was telling me about the faults of yet another man they were with, when she asked my opinion. I said to her "Have you ever thought that there's a pattern here? Look at all of your other relationships"

I have to warn you, don't ever do this with someone unless you truly want to get into a fight with them, because this started World War 3. She went on about how I didn't understand her, how could I say that, there's nothing wrong with her. That I was a bitch for even saying something like that. She went on saying how wrong everybody else was and never once, never admitting to her own faults. It couldn't possibly be that she keeps picking the same type of men? It couldn't possibly be that she is super controlling?

Nah, it couldn't possibly be any of that, it was the fact that I suggested that something was her fault, now I was the bad guy. Come on people wake up! There are two sides of every story. Even in my abusive marriage I owned my part. I had to raise my hand and say, yes he was abusive, yes he did this and that but what did I do? What can I own in this relationship?

I checked out years before. I owned that I had a emotional affair. I owned that I stayed for  the financial aspect of it, the security of money, the big lifestyle. I own that I was cold and distant, that I never wanted him to touch me. I lied about loving him, about our "perfect family" I lied to see my friends, I was constantly lying.
These were the things I did that I had to own, I couldn't in good conscience, just blame him. I had to take ownership of my shit to move on, to be able to fix these things within me.

But if you jump off the handle like this person did and turn it all around on me for pointing out a pattern in their behavior and not realizing that the one common denominator was her, that is true denial.

I look at my patterns, I know I am a addict, I have addict behaviors, we give up one addiction for another so I know I have to dig deeply to see what I am doing over and over that is harmful to me. I have to see those patterns and behaviors to see why am I doing this? What am I getting out of it? Because when you keep doing something bad for you, you are definitely getting something out of it, but you must be willing to look, to be brutally honest and own your own shit.

She was obviously not ready to do this, even though a blind man could see the patterns she was doing over and over and over again, she couldn't or wouldn't.  We all have been to this river call denial, knowing that someting is bad for us, yet staying or repeating patterns because we are not ready to face it.

Stop lying to yourself, this is the first step to recovery.

Sometimes this "new world" we are living in is bullshit. Everyone is winners, every kid gets a trophy, we are all tip toeing around worried about hurting someone's feelings. We forgot how to be honest, we forgot to learn, we all must fail in order to learn lessons. We must all own our faults, in order to change.

HELLO! The first step in any program is admitting you need help and admitting you have a problem. You can't change something you don't address.

So today my friends, please stop living in a sea of denial, pull your head out of the sand or out of your ass, wherever it may be and own your shit. Do something to change, blaming others is not change, you must take ownership of you and your life for change to happen. It is never too late, you are never too old, we need, as I say at the end of every blog, to be the change you want to see.

"Be the change you want to see"
 
"And just when the caterpillar thought his life over...he turned into a beautiful butterfly"

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